UtterFuckingDebauchery.

Vegas.

When it’s 9am, in Vegas, you know what the fuck happened…in Vegas.

Let’s just say there were midgets involved.

(I’m not kidding).

It’s not quite Halloween yet, and this girl has more to Blog about than…

(she’s not giving up details)

For once… what happens…

happens.


… stays.

Still fucking drunk from 3 days ago (wait, fuck, when did we get here?).

Vegoose.

Porn Folks.

Hot Tubs.

Nose Bleeds.

Tom Petty’s Cock.

more strippers than:




She’sFucking… fuck.

Fuck….
Yeah, that’s Vegas.

Just bought the new
nuvi 360 GPS tracking system… 800FuckingDollars…
Picking it up tomorrow.

800FUCKINGDOLLARS… that thing better come with a built in vibrator, seriously.

Oh and, in case you want to see what my children will look like...
click *HERE*.

Florida Recap Part Duex...

Maybe I expect too much from people. My trip included:
- 3 lies in terms of hotel location and amenities
- 4 incorrectly charged prices
- 2 bouts of very slow and or NO service from customer service/concierge
- 12 examples of unprofessional behavior in the hospitality workforce

Hm.

What happens when a hotel tells you they have free wireless access in every room, and it turns out to be network cable plug in only, with only 15 plug ins available (two of them broken) and the rest taken?

- What happens when valet loses the radio volume button for your rental car?

- What happens when you call for a cab with a credit card and they arrive without a credit card processor?

- What happens when you order a chardonnay and they give you a zinfandel, and then ask for a menu and they give you a pen (yes, that’s right, I know pen and menu sound very similar)?

- What happens when you check into a room and they don’t have the air conditioner on when you arrive so its 120 degrees, sticky, hot, and smells of urine (I can tell you the answer to this one)?

Among my adventures in this place they call the happiest place on earth.

So I’m winding down on my tripdeflorida… leaving Tuesday (sigh of relief) ~ SCRATCH THAT, TIME FLIES IN THE LANDOFBLOG, I’M HOME.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this trip has changed me.
Molded me.
Estranged me.

The Musings Of ATG:

Eating Alone – you glean so much information about the environment around you by listening to all the transactions that occur in front of you while you are relaxing with a glass of chardonnay, prime rib and a baked potato (cornucopia of mindmelds).

People talk.
To me.
To you.
To no one in particular.
To themselves.

LISTEN.

This Weekend’s Highlights:
Singing Summer Lovin’ (from Grease) with a butchmiddleagedlesbianwithonearm (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried).


Here Name Was Lola…
Reminisced of times of old with Honey (queue song: “her name was Lola, she was a showgirl…”. Yeah, Honey… that’s her in the middle:


65+ and still serving drinks at some crappy hotel bar, with stories that would make your grandparents reminisce.
The Audience Should Know: I reconvened with my ex-boyfriend from college, that’s him to the right,
Same
Old
Same
Old
Same

Nostalgia or bust.
So back to Honey… she was a highlight. She reminded me of how I could be, or how I would be, old, unremarkable yet remarkable, distinguished, smiling…

~ Pause For Intermission ~

On Line At the Perkins Waiting For A Table
Everyone is old
Old people talk about how they are getting old
Old people complain when they have to wait on lines
Old people will die soon

What’s your excuse?

Bite size musings of good and evil, life and death, love and hate… rearrange me.

Orlando
Tampa
Fort Myers
Miami
West Palm Beach
Lake Worth
Wellington

Among my travels. Gulliver would be jealous.

So what has this girl learned?

Hm… she’ll wrap it up in alliteration for you when she returns from Vegas… baby.

Florida… Week 1:
Myriad adventures in this strange strange (twice for emphasis) land:
Meeting too many roofers, epoxy floor layers, tractor trainers, hurricane reinforcement workers, pool cleaners, waiters, waitresses, cleaning staff than I can comprehend.

Highlights:
Getting hit on by every 50+ cowboy roofer this town’s got…
Schmoozing with some good ol’ boy country band that wore enough tassels and vests to raise YMCA from the dead
Being invited to jump on the back of a Harley and ride off into the sunset with a group of folks my mom’s age (can we say PeeWee’s Big Adventure Tequila Song)
Being invited back to a hotel room to view Epoxy flooring samples and drink wine coolers (yeah, wine coolers); oh and the guy was about 37, 3 kids, wife, and a missing front tooth, fucking classic.
Having a 45 year old man tell me he thinks we are made for each other since he saw me at the hotel bar and then again later that evening at MACdonald’s (yeah, they say MAC instead of MC out here)

I repeat: FUCKINGCLASSIC

I started at the Holiday Inn… room was spacious, king size bed, overlooking the pool… but Florida has this kind of sticky-filmy-muggy type atmosphere. The AC is on nonstop, and its freezing, but still feels like everything is damp and gross.

Let me back up for a bit…
WhatI’mDoingHere: Training folks on a newly implemented real estate management technology. 8 hours straight of me talking. WHOOOPEEEEEEE.

Let’s talk about eating out. Every meal. Eating out. Breakfast, lunch, dinner… Every meal. Eating out.

ATGKeepsItReal: if I eat another deep-fried ANYTHING, I’m going to have to start wearing those jeans with elastic tops.

HOMECOOKEDMEALORBUST.

The portion sizes of the crap I’ve eaten have been enough to feed these folks.

Seriously.

I’m trying all different types of stuff too… catfish, wild salmon, conch shell creatures. Blech.
Of course I had to try some alligator tail (pronounced “gayter t-AIL”. Not a fan. The dark meet threw me off a bit, and even with a deep friend crunchy coating, I couldn’t choke that shit down.

What have I been doing to pass the time:

I got an eye patch for my friend Kelli’s b-day surprise party (oh yeah, had a stopover in Jersey last weekend before FL, awesome wicked fun time), so I’ve been making up little shows and characters covering different eyes, and showing my PIRATTTTTITUDE….get this girl a mirror, please.


So yeah,

Back to Florida…

DID I MENTION: Hockey (go Lightning), dancing, drinking, lounging, pool time

* Monday night football
* Comedy night
* Ladies night

Fuck.

Florida week 2: So now I’m in Tampa… staying at the Hilton (past tense, now I'm at the Holiday Inn for reasons mentioned in approximately 5 seconds), for a $130 a night place, it sux. I liked the Holiday Inn mucho mejore (and that was only 85 a night). They recently got new coffee makers in each room (2-cup brewers with Lavazza coffee, not bad if I do say so myself), but apparently that has thrown the whole staff and the cleaning personnel for a loop. I asked for an additional coffee pod and it was like I asked them to authenticate the Shroud of Turin… no idea what size pods, where to get them, etc. Housekeeping didn’t even replenish my stock (and you know how much this girl loves her coffee), so weird.

Next Stop: Fort Myers, then West Palm Beach… I’ll keep you updated of my time o’ times.

P.S. Heading to Vegooose for Hallow’s Eve, Nicooool, Steve, Serena and crew, CAN’T FUCKING WAIT


But oh, oh oh… I do miss my flat in the LandofLA…

Um, so I was checking out a list of 10 Crimes of Work Fashion… and I spied with my AlphaTheGreat Eyes:

"4. The Crime: Out-of-control hair.
Whether it's frizzy coifs or bushy beards, wild hair just doesn't look professional.

Redemption: Women should invest in a good haircut and some styling products that can reduce poufiness and make hair easier to manage. Men should keep their facial hair well-trimmed, or better yet, go clean-shaven."

Out of control, huh? I will rock, and continue to rock the head of hair that the good Lord gave me, so HRPMH to that!

Matter of fact: DoubleHRMPHtotheSecondPower



Yeah, I said it.

I’m fascinated… by the Amish.

Absofuckinglutely fascinated.

Just a general observation.

P.S. if anyone has an Amish contact, I’d love to talk to/taint them.