Hm. Let’s talk about this shall we… this whole life thing. Here’s where I’m at:
My goal of staying single for a whole year has been realized (APPLAUSE). It was approximately one year ago that the ex and I called it quits. Not as if staying single for an entire year is some great feat or something, but over the past 6 or so years, I have had a boyfriend more often than not.
Reflection:
Nothing gained.
Nothing lost.
Still not ready to commit.

I told you I wouldn’t leave you hanging with the whole “public masturbation” thing… not too much else to say, either you feel my vibe or you don’t
I’m an artist
(stroke yourself)
I’m and actress
(stroke yourself)
I’m a poet
(stroke yourself)
The public is watching
(stroke yourself)
I’m thinking: Freud’s Id was stolen
Whatever gets you through the day.

I don’t think it’s necessary to explain every action, or every thought, or every detail. This is my world, and if you don’t like it, the next exit will be coming up soon.

I had dinner in a fancy Italian restaurant tonight.
The words: REPULSIVE, SMELLY, and WASTE came to mind.
Never again.

I’m tired, but I guess you know that judging from the fact that it is 8pm, and I am not out gallivanting.
I love the fall… did I mention that yet? Pumpkin ice-cream, maroonbrownyellow, leaves, cider, walking in the night zephyr. Hmph.

I gather that my “half naked millionaire” comment turned some heads… my friends are like “you slept with him???” I guess they missed the memo, and the TWO times (count them TWO) that I said: NOTHING HAPPENED. What type of girl do you think I am? Sheesh. Give me some credit here.

So I’m going to relax tonight, read, ponder, create, the usual.

Waiting for some stimulating conversation. Anyone, Anywhere.

Or maybe I’m just bored.

Christ I...
See
Marriage in your hands
Time spans
Tin cans
Not making noise on my car
But yours.

Fear of bliss
Life's first kiss
Get the gist
Quintessential.

The spinach on your finger suggest
A healthy life.

I’m not partial

Central Park played
Moonlight's gaze
Commitments haze

Make a note
MENtal
I relate
I escape
Pick out drapes

Maybe one shade is enough.


No thanks, I’ll take them all.

FACT: I woke up in the bachelor-pad of a millionaire on Friday morning.
FACT: Alcohol, when consumed in large quantities, has the ability to impair your judgment.
FACT: The double-king size bed I slept in was “phenomenal”.
FACT: The half-naked millionaire sleeping next to me on the king-size bed was also “phenomenal” for letting me invade his world for a day.
FACT: Nothing happened.
FACT: I repeat, nothing happened.

It’s been a while, let’s recap…
Life is a little more than amazing
Boys in my life are a lot more than limited
My apartment is a little less than clean

Monday – Granted a WISH to a very special little girl
Tuesday – took a breather (SEE ALSO: falling asleep in my bathtub)
Wednesday – Dave Mathews Band in Central Park
Thursday – Raul Midon with guest appearance by LaChanze
Friday – eastmountainsouth


STILL TO COME:
Saturday – House warming party, Blondie’s Sports Pub (Tennessee Volunteers Game), Birthday Bash at Lot 61
Sunday – Working!!? Doing some consulting for a coffee bar that is opening (yes, they trust me to guide them in the right direction –scary-)

I took off of work on Friday and stayed in Manhattan
THE PLAN: To have no plan

I walked along
Pondering
Humming

AMONG MY ADVENTURES:
Went into an art gallery, pictures of a black woman with a distorted clown face in all different poses and backgrounds; the artists came up to me and said that I look like an artist myself; I replied that it’s New York, everyone is an artist, and a writer, and an actor, an actress…
She laughed.
We talked about art; I said her artwork appears to be part of an epidemic in New York streets called Public Masturbation.
Yes, Public Masturbation.
The pictures were all of her.
Clown-face black woman dancing
Clown-face black woman singing
Clown-face black woman sitting

It’s great that you love yourself (that is what I said, she laughed again)
I can only assume that she laughed due to lack of a better emotion that I evoked in her.
I sat outside in an Italian restaurant sipping wine
I sat
I was serenaded
I read
I was serenaded
I talked
I was serenaded

I walked.

New York…
The abdomen of coolness
The fetus of self-expression
The fingernail of exposure

I am not sure you get my sense of humor
I am not sure you get my sense of style

So let’s get back to this Public Masturbation thing…
Yes, I am a victim
Yes, I am a culprit
Yes, I am the president.
This website, it falls prey…

I am not sure you get my sense of humor
I am not sure you get my sense of style


Too many adventures to list today, and I am running late. I will delve deeper... promise.

And she talks to herself in her car.
And she dances around her apartment.
And she sings karaoke alone.
And she doesn’t care what you think.
She doesn’t care what you know.

She’s more than happy.

In their suits
Pretending
Pretending
I’m this, I’m that
Gray, Dark Blue, Black
A bruise…
Or a dress code
Reality seeps
Reality reaps
Stuck in their box
4 sides
more lies
occasion rise
too.
Conserve
Energy…stop blowing steam
Con Ed wants your number
Anti-matter
Anti-chatter
Anti-clatter
dEfense mEchanism
E squared = M T
minds.

Today, I take on the world
I dream
I vision
I create

Yesterday, I followed my heart
It knows
It tells
It begins

Tomorrow, I’ll throw chance to the wind
To live
To let
To love

Limbo is a funny state…its border makes you want to run, its lakes give you room to flow, and its fields give you wings to fly.
I’m there
I’m there
I’m there

where are you?

"The falsification of history has done more to impede human
development than any one thing known to mankind"
--Rousseau

At that last second, they thought…



I didn’t say:
Goodbye
I love you
I miss you

I didn’t go:
On that vacation I always wanted to
To my friends barbecue
To my high school reunion

I never finished:
Building that tree house with my family
Making those phone calls to my relatives
Telling my children about the moon

I never started:
Loving
Giving
Living

People die.

It happens all the time
Every day
Every minute
Every second
All over the world


People live.
It happens all the time
Every day
Every minute
Every second
All over the world


And it’s sad, and it’s happy, and it’s frightening, and it’s something, and it’s nothing, and it’s hard, and it’s easy, and it is.
It is

It is


Life…it is.

To all who have…
Struggled
Lost
Strived
Fought
Won
Challenged
Spied
Pained
Grieved
Cried
Thought
Wrote
Gave
Lived
Honored
Bought
Died

For the sake of…
Community
City
State
Coast
Country
Continent
World
Universe
Existence
Life

My heart goes out.

September 11, 2003

I’m at the Yankees game with my co-workers…

And the men are thinking…Derek Jeter is 1 and 3 at the bottom of the 4th

And I’m thinking…I wonder if there is a special cleaning company that washes those uniforms, I mean they probably get really dirty, so I wonder if there is some specific cleaning method to keep them so white

And the men are thinking…Soriani just had another home run

And I’m thinking…those uniforms are a little plain, they need a little spicing up, like tassels, or beads, or little reflectors

And the men are thinking…ump, get a new pair of glasses!

And I’m thinking…they should dye each blade of grass a different color, or plant all kinds of flowers on the field

My world… my curls.

I did it.
½ dozen eggs
½ gal whole milk
Hmstyl Biscuits
I went shopping.
Motts Applesce
Cut Lf Spinach
Stove Top L/S Stffng
All the aisles
All the selection
The hours spent on naming conventions
Trky Gravy
Walnut Acres Baked Beans
Mshrm Gravy
12 different broths
9 different syrup types
Squeezable instant mashed potatoes
Casbah Rice Pilaf
Casbah Bamati Rice
Imagine Porobello Soup
Should I get the blue jelly that taste like banana?
Or the red jelly that looks like a coconut?
Ludbrg Brwn Rice Orgnc
Ground Round 90%
What’s in the other 10%??
Aisles and Aisles of I Wills…
I will eat healthier
I will cut down on carbs
I will exercise a bit harder so I can get the double stuffed mint Oreos with autumn leaves…in time for Fall.
Perdue Chkn Cutlet
Salmon Fillet

ITEM VOID is left to your interpretation.

Walked a mile in his shoes
And my soul was bleeding
Rather live in his world
Than live with
OUT.

Wish I could wish
Thought I could think
Tried not to try

The midnight train just left
Too bad I’m right.

zigged when I should have zagged
hoopin’ when I should have hollered
yinged when I should have yanged

according to me.

What if they told you the truth? That it was all an elaborate setup. Secret societies, aliens, Davinci Code, Elvis, crop circles, Jesus, the Internet, mass media… all of them interrelated. Could you handle it? Knowing that the existence most people base there lives around, their conspiracy theories, government plots, political policies, all of it were just a game.

What would John Jacobson do when he realizes that his existence dedicated to finding life on Mars was all in vain?

How would Shannon Conway feel if her husband’s involvement in a secret society was just the inner workings 1000’s of years of entertainment in the making.

You would be entertained wouldn’t you?

To know the plots, the schemes, the books, the internet sites, the secrets, the phone taps, the time spent, CIA, FBI, the…knowledge. It was all to give us something to do. No basis, no reality, just to keep us busy.

 	To do.

 	To do.  

Maybe this whole life thing is just whatever you make it, nothing more, nothing less.
Is that so hard to grasp?

Theodore Chin just found out crop circles are a hoax. 15 years of evidence flushed. He just went outside to play with his son in the pool.

Lila Lopez was visited by God, who told her Jesus was a symbol. 55 years of devotion crushed. She immediately left to visit her son who married out of his religion, 25 years of silence broken.
P.S. God was a woman.

It’s just that simple.
All the years of research, all the shed blood, all the time consumed, just to find out… life is what you make of it.

Make of conspiracy
Make of deceit
Make of scandal
Reap existence.

Make of celebrities
Make of money
Make of worldly possessions
Reap existence.

Make of God
Make of church
Make of religion
Reap existence

Make of family
Make of friends
Make of a household
Reap existence

Make of life
Make of life
Make of life
Reap yourself, finally.


What is it you REALLY want to do? To be?

Maybe it’s not the money
Maybe it’s not the knowledge
Maybe it’s not the beauty…
Maybe it just is.

Meditate on that one.

...so I'm thinking, how come I never know what I'm eating when I order Chinese food
...so I'm eating, a lunch portion big enough for 3 people
...so I'm singing, Sinatra lounge songs in between bites
...so I'm drinking, enough aspartame and phosphoric acid to remove paint from my car
...so I'm daydreaming, workday is over and I'm shaking my booty on the dance floor

So the ex is all like…why would you put that on the website?
And I’m all like…because I felt like it
And he’s all…oh
And I’m all… so how was your day


So the crush of this week is all like… --insert silence here--
And I’m all like… too bad, I have already moved on to the next one
And he’s all…--insert silence here--
And I’m all…so many men, so little time

So Winamp is all like…I can’t believe you had the nerve to say the things you did
And I’m all…don’t wanna try, don’t wanny try, don’t wanna try no more
And Winamp is all…had to wake up, face reality

So I’m sitting here, eating chicken with nasty sauce (from the can, no flavoring, see previous Blog for further detail), and I’m thinking… --insert Alpha thinking here-- when was the last time I laughed. I mean really really laughed. You know the kind of laugh that makes you double over in stomach pain and your jaws feel like you just had plastic surgery. When was the last time you laughed like that?

It’s 1 am and I can’t get to sleep. I have tried counting milk duds, eating sheep, and reading graffiti, but to no avail.

Still haven’t heard from the fellow I have a crush on this week, not to be confused with the other fellow I had a crush on last week.

My cat hates me. I try and I try to win his affection only to be met with sharp biting teeth and sharp dagger claws.

On another random note, I feel good about staying in this week. I have not gone out for 2 days in a row (a record for me), and I plan on coming home directly after work tomorrow as well.

I am reading a book called "The Hiram Key" about Freemasonry and Masonic Order. Hasn’t yet proved all that interesting, but is a nice break from the horrible book called “The Regulators” that I am reading. I don’t know what it is about books, but I HAVE to read them all the way through, even if I think the story line is miserable/boring. Likewise, I am reading the book du jour without regard to its level of suckiness.

Suckiness is apparently not a word according to Microsoft Word.

Which brings us to our next topic. Turkey Club Sandwiches. I had a wonderful turkey club for lunch. Not to be confused with my dinner which consisted of old noodles that have been sitting in my fridge for weeks, pork-fried rice left over from yesterdays’ Chinese order, generic tomato sauce (you know the one out of the can that Stop & Shop makes, that has no seasoning or flavoring, aka ketchup), and moldy cheese. Seriously, I need to go shopping. I don’t believe in grocery shopping or cooking.

Hm. What else to talk about. I am taking an acting class on Sunday. Going to learn improvisational techniques (as if I am not FANTABULOUS at improv already).

I wonder why no one ever leaves me comments on my Blog. See that “Comments provided by Squawkbox” link. Well that is for leaving me comments, so do it, or else I will… I will…
Going to go try this whole sleep thing. By the way sleep is overrated.

Questions Courtesy of the Harrison Bergeron of Friendster aka Minger

1. On a stroll through the countryside, you come across a field of
delicious-looking strawberries. Your stomach starts to rumble, and
no one else is around. Only a fence stands between a
free lunch. How high is that fence?

For starters, there is no such thing as a free lunch. Secondly, if I am strolling through the countryside, my fat ass would have surely packed a satchel of snacks. Lastly, even if the fence were higher than the Great Wall, I would find a way to get in (SEE ALSO: I am sure I know the promoter who works at the fence).

2. You sneak into the garden and begin to help yourself to the fruit.
How many berries do you eat?

I would first calculate the air pressure drawing in from the left, and multiply that by the wind speed divided by the random thoughts that are passing through my head at that moment minus the number of people eating figs in the world, square that number and add the number 34, thereby ending up with the number… and now a word from our sponsor.

That is all the time we have today folks, tune in next week for the answer!

3. Suddenly the farmer whose berries you're stealing appears out
of nowhere and starts yelling at you. What do you say in your own
defense?

Got any cereal to go with these berries? (As I use my invisi-gun to make myself invisible, thereby thwarting the efforts of my pleasure-stopper).

4. After all is said and done, how did the berries taste? And looking
back, how did you feel after your berry-stealing adventure was over?

As the nice police officer escorts me from the strawberry section of produce, I try to remember what brought me here in the first place. The surveillance video clears up much of my confusion, as I view myself on top of the strawberry display consuming the reddest ripest morsels. The farmer, also known as Jerry Bonson, Manager of Produce, was only doing his job, and for that, I don’t blame him.
P.S. Stop & Shop will never be the same (wink wink)

ACT 1 SCENE 1
Hm. This Labor Day weekend, I feel the need to bring the public what they have asked for. A sort of “Alpha N, live and uncut” if you will.
We are broadcasting form the confines of the game room (self proclaimed game room given its disco-theme backdrop, records galore, and air hockey table). Let’s reflect on this weekend shall we (SEE ALSO: average of 4 hours of sleep for 3 days). An interesting trip to Connecticut to see the ex proved quite fulfilling. I like the fact that I can still maintain contact with the man I spent 2 years of my life with (SEE ALSO: that chapter has been closed, and I’m sure re-reading it won’t be nearly as appealing). And that brings us to the next topic. BOYS. Yes, I said it… boys.

ACT 2 SCENE 1
My life this past year has been delicious to say the least. A cacophony of flirtatious encounters that invites the presence of various arm-candies. I attended a wedding all day today (the longest wedding I have EVER attended, but very fun nonetheless). It crossed my mind several times this evening that I could not be farther away from my own wedding day (SEE ALSO: Alpha fears commitment; SEE ALSO: Alpha flirts way too much).

So what is up with the men and me? Ahem. I hung out with a cutie yesterday after a long night of dancing at Lot 61. Methinks I might have a crush on the fellow, but merely because he seems disinterested, and you all know that is the type of guy I dig most (the audience nods in agreement). It’s one of those fun crushes when you don’t really know who the person is… but we all know that once you find out more about the person, then the crush comes to an abrupt halt (Reality is the mother of Ignorance, and Ignorance has a nickname around these here parts, we call him “Bliss” or “Artificial Buzz” for short). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I would pursue it even if I were interested. Papi says, “lIsTeN tO rEaSoN…your not even ready to commit to an annual contract with Verizon.”
-- insert Alpha agreeing wholeheartedly here --
You know what would be fun? If I sent him the link to my Blog so he could read this (Ooooh’s and Aaaaaaaah’s can be heard from the audience). Oh EXCITING! I think that is what I will do! (Dear Alpha, I wish you had a little more reticence, and a little less forthrightness. Yours Truly – Embarrassment; Carbon Copy – Rejection)
Well, would you look at the time… I suppose we will have to finish this tomorrow, as my eyes are screaming at me (SEE ALSO: no really, less than 2 hours of sleep last night). More to come including my crushes response, so stay tuned!
Curtain close.