NOTE TO SELF: Today is my birthday. I'm 26.

Shower me with gifts...

It’s a Pavlov-like response. Someone whistles: you turn. You have no control over it, even if you try to fight it with all of your being. Instinctual.

So… I walked to Trader Joes. I had some minor shopping to do, and what better way to enjoy the night zephyr than with a brisk walk through my hood.

My groceries included: Fat Free Vanilla ½ & ½, hummus, pitas, pickles, and Sea Salt.

I’m approximately 4 blocks form my dwelling when I hear it.

A whistle. No, not like somebody whistling a tune, or something that could be confused as a whirring or screeching noise,

ENTER: MONOSYNAPTIC REFLEX

but a distinct whistle.

I turned to face the noise, unwillingly, as my body took over.

There he was. A Hispanic male, probably about 28 years of age, approximately 500 feet away from me, seemingly to be a part of the Jiffy Lube work force.

He waved at me

I thought: either this gentleman thinks he knows me, or I must have a pretty good profile from the nose down. SEE ALSO: I was wearing a hat.

Imagine this view from about 500 feet away:


He waved. You can’t stop your body from reacting. Like any good American citizen, I tried to return the gesture. My hands were filled with groceries, so I did this kind of half lift of the groceries, half nod move (yeah, that’s going down in the books) in response.

I continued my pilgrimage. DESTINATION: home

Approximately one minute later, I hear another noise. Someone is coming up behind me (QUICK RUN – she thought).

It was the Hispanic male (men, you scare me).

He was riding a bike (wait a minute, back up, do you mean to tell me this guy chased you down on a bicycle?)

I felt awkward.

He asked if he can help me carry my groceries, and said I was very cute.

Hm. I must have some killer cheek bones.

In any other circumstance, I might have recognized his chivalrous notion. But let’s face it, I’m a Jersey girl at heart.

I declined.

He asked my name.

I said Nelissa. (yeah, that’s right, not “Melissa” with an “M” but “Nelissa”. I have no idea where the hell that came from)

He asked me if I lived in the area.

I said “no.”
He asked me if I was visiting friends.

I said “yes.”

He asked me if he could have my phone number.

I said “why, don’t you have your own?”

He laughed.

I picked up my pace.

He got the hint.

He told me to have a nice day.

As I rounded the corner of my apartment complex, I couldn’t help but think the myriad questions I had for this young man:

- How many other women have you chased down with your bicycle today?
- Was that bicycle just sitting there and you happen to see it and pick it up, or is it yours.
- Did you just leave work, or are you still on the clock?
- Do you have to pay for that uniform, or did it come with the job?

It could have been my destiny. I could have dropped my groceries and jumped on to the back pegs of his BMX and rode off into the sunset.

Moral of the story: when considering purchasing a new bike, go for the bicycle-built-for-two. It’s a real chick magnet.

Or perhaps, even still, in dream state or not
Her eyes pierce your soul
Her touch burns too hot.

To die is to live, describe some cultures at best
The heart and the soul can find eternal rest
From the images that haunt you all through your days
Images of love, as her lips fade away.

All is for naught in this sleepwalk we fathom
Wandering through the days as your mind still imagines
For all that is said and done for your heart
Perhaps a dream is what got us here to start...

Suffering.
Like the news says we are.

Inhumane.
Show your death
Show your breadth
Show you sweat

Set yourself on fire
Just to prove a lie
Kill a dozen babies
And the government will buy:

Your story
Your glory

It’s gory
(I know)

But without the news we have no show
Entertain me.


Affliction like the Man Of The Hour
While Washington Post takes a stab
The BBC and New York Times
Have stories up for grabs.
(but wait, that’s no fun)

Get your camera ready for martyrdom
(we need a good laugh)

So your religious plot went down the drain
With your aborted baby’s fetus
Perhaps we should turn on the television
And that will bring us to Jesus (destruct_shun)

Because the bum on the street just ate my leftover bean stalk (looks like I can’t climb to the heavens)
Hell, Oh. Didn’t know it was invading
Cascading (like the dreams we used to think)

Getthisgirlaglassofperception

Before the news pours her a drink…

Life: Stop staring at my tits
Love: Stop abusing me for hits (acid rain in my system)
New York: You’re HOT (like Paris on a winter day)
California: Keep begging me not to stay

Spit on my karma
I’ll give you a side
Hitchhike on my charka
Throw cotton on my fire

She’s driven (because Daisies got a ride)

Airbrush me another lovescape (her boyfriend made her lie)

GET THIS GIRL SOME OUTOFTOWN BANTER

Celeb gossip will never survive (she’s suffering)

Condition my hair, cause air’s got too much style
Get me an afro pick, before you change the dial
She’s a_Freakin (or was it African)
Stand
Because sitting will get you…

Ok, so I’ve got to post about http://www.craigslist.org/

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have spent countless minutes laughing hysterically at the ads posted on Craigs (primarily the Casual Encounters section). I have been thoroughly entertained by the freaks, geeks and weirdoes who try there hardest to get laid :

“I want to anally rape you with a spatula then lick your dogs balls…”

“Come to my house and spit in my grandmother’s mouth as I yell obscenities at your big toe…”

“Sleep with my wife while I watch and make scrambled eggs…”

Um, ok, so the above posts were made up, but seriously, there is some sick sh*t on that site! The part I find most amusing is that all the post seem to follow with “Serious Inquiries Only Please”.

LIKE FUCKING YOUR ANTIQUE ROCKING CHAIR WHILE YOU PISS ON A LAMPSHADE COULD EVER BE SERIOUS!!

So, if you have the time (and I know you do)… READ, READ I SAY!!!

And perhaps next time you can come over to my place and lick bellybutton lint out of my asshole (hehe, that was funny).

Make me beautiful
She said with a smile
Because ugly isn’t perfect
And neither am I.

Give me a flower
She whispered in your ear
Jesus walked the red carpet
But missed the premiere.

Buy me an afterthought
This life’s got Bliss
The cameras are rolling
While the crew takes a piss.

Keep me entertained
Or else she’ll just die
Commerce murdered her sister
In exchange for a tie.

Send me a lyric
She’ll commit (you-a-side)
Her keyboard’s got arthritis
But she would never lie.

And the eye of the needle sees you petrified
(give her another, this ‘wood’s got a life)

Surrender got the part...

looks like Blaaaaahhhhhhhhhg is misbehaving, shame on you! We'll fix the problem soon (Muse & I that is).

Don't let it ruin your day...

Hit me with a borderline
This girl just lost her grit
Put her in another commercial
Agent Sorrow’s idea’s been pitched.

Give the director another dog, cause bitches are too plenty
And when the camera crew is done
Hold their paychecks steady.

a_loan, is where she started
rented out her soul
deflated where her tits
so that her mind would grow.

RELAX:
(she fucked the wind’s brother)
Or so he got blown

This towns not big enough for…

p.s. quit giving fucking suggestions.

1. Total number of books you've owned:
buying, reading, and returning is the new owning (get with it people). Including my bible collection when I was in 6th grade, I’m sure the amount is up in the “start your own reading room” as opposed to the “start your own library” section.

2. Last Book I Bought:
Chuck Pahlaniuk’s “Haunted”. I’m a Chuck fan, love that gory, nasty, sex-aholic, freak.

3. Last Book I Read:
um, see #2

4. 3 Books That Mean Something To Me:
A. Lullaby – first book that made me dig Chuck P’s style
B. GRE Study guide – it means my lazy ass needs to start studying if I want to attend grad school this lifetime.
C. Mutation by Robin Cook – I found this book about a year ago, and randomly it was one of the first sci-fi book I read when I was in elementary school.

I’m adding some new questions:

5. What is the WORST literature you’re eyes have grazed?
Hm. There is a bunch of bad ones, let’s go with Me Talk Pretty One Day… I just don’t get the hype; Or Jonathan Caroll, From the Teeth of Angels, or there was this other one written by an Aussie about a gal’s husband dying and leaving her a letter to open every month, that sucked ass.

6. What’s the worse thing an author can do at the end of a book:
Have a case of Everyone-lives-happily-ever-after syndrome. I hate that sh*t, when all ends up peechy keen, the guy gets the girl, the killer gets caught, the kitten is saved from the tree. How about some REAL drama people… fingers and toes getting lopped off (and no, they ain’t coming back), families destroyed, life, death, and everything in between. Oh yeah, I also hate when a book ends with some kind of silly saying, or quote, or with everyone laughing (JAZZ HANDS, BIG FINISH, BIG FINISH)

I guess I should tag 5 more people, huh, methinks that might have to wait until tomorrow…

and they all lived happily ever after.

Ever thrown up 2 orders of sushi, plum wine, 2 shots of Southern Comfort, a margarita, and some white wine?

Yeah, me neither.

VOMIT (completely unrelated to the last post)

I hate the way they make me feel.

Black men.

Men.

Hispanic men.

Men.

White men.

Men.

As I’m in my car, minding my own business, they stare.
“BUY MY CANDY”
“BUY MY FLOWERS”
“BUY MY STOLEN ITEMS”

Gawking at me like I’M THE CIRCUS FREAK,
with their broken English, “You’s a good lookin’ one, yo”
or “Yo, Ma, you be lookin’ fine”

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Now I have to close my window, because you can’t keep you’re dirty eyes, and your dirty comments to yourself.

Street trash, you make me sick.

Call me racist.
Call me sexist.
Call me whatever you want.

Juststopbotheringmewheniamwalkingdownthestreet,sittinginmycar,takingawalkinmyneighborhood.

Purple man with your haunting gape, licking your lips
VOMIT
Blue man with your black eyes, paint on your shirt
VOMIT
Yellow man with your evil stare, wearing your suit
VOMIT

You could NEVER get a girl like me (she spits)

Ok fans, here’s one from the archives… -POP

So I’m at a Nintendo premier party (some new gadget they came out with, I don’t recall the name) -FIZZ, and my roommate is working the red carpet interviewing celebs…
And she works for a show that celebs don’t like, because their dirty laundry’s being aired on the show in the form of legal battles -YOWSER.

So here I am with my large afro trying to flag celebs over, and not even I could thwart the efforts of the divas I encountered. It’s that whole “I’m way to popular right now to be interviewed by Celebrity Justice.” -POW

Of course, on the red carpet, you always have the B-list celebs who talk to everyone, but that’s another story. -BANG

So, HERE’S THE GRAND FINALE (jazz hands)…. I’m flagging over Cuba Gooding Jr. and he comes over like he is going to talk to us, sees who we are working with, and -POOF does one of those “I’m too cool for you hand on the side of the face” moves.

-OUCH.

Foiled again. -ZING

P.S. the Fundraising Event I spoke of in previous post, Honoring Cedric “The Entertainer”, with host Steve Harvey and presenter Jay Leno… is sure to bring some stories to fulfill your bevy of Celebrity Desire. -ZOINKS

Um, June 3rd can’t come soon enough. -BOING

Update you say?

Sparse as my BLAHHHHHHg has been, the public should know that I am in the midst of a large event at my work, thus my life is consumed by planning and logistics.

MUSE WRITES:
Dearest Readers,
Please be patient with Alpha The Great as she tries wholeheartedly to balance this whole life thing.

ATG WRITES:
Um, non profit or bust.

Don’t be worried, I haven’t fallen off some existentialist abyss, I’m merely trying to excavate catharsis (narcosis).

Maybe life should be more like that…

Convert me.

I want to see your lies
In your eyes
Your disguise

Shape me.

Wear my masking
Like footage taped
Continue to scrape (the stories delicious)

Beaded like ties
On a restless, despise
Reality (like the program)

Jesus got into a fight with the Son
Who won?

Hypocrisy.

Put on your pissscentedperfumemadefromanimalbile

I mean, consumerism (you dig?)

Buy me another round of biodegrade – able
There’s a surplus on aisle 10, used condoms for sale

Feed me another daylight savings (shit brown like coffee)

She woke up thinking, “is this really it?”

strike that last comment from the record, or hit me with another one, Sam
(she pleads UNCLE)

Good morning lover

the wind made me breakfast this morning
I hope the moon doesn't get jealous
you left your heart in my hardrive (download it to my nonchalance)
because the stars are seeing double
ellipticate me (your dictionary’s been confiscated)
even code gets confused some… times.

Run me around in circles, your Sunflake’s got too much wax
(she’s melting)

Or did she just take over the hive?
Get me another vile of coffee creation (her reverb’s got bass)
Copper just married a ton of bricks
Heavy on her aortic valve
(get this girl some honey)
check, mate? (KING ME)

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany becomes the 265th pope of the RomanCatholic Church... um you REALLY didn't think they would choose a minority did you?

Mass repo-duction
Like lifeline’s own seduction
Left views at this junction…

General templates
Bubonic plagues
Coals against rakes
(or was it pesticide)


Total default
Kiss some asphalt
(because frogs were polluted)


I’lltellyouabouthebirdsandthe
beesifyoujustletmefindyour
bottleoftruthsyrumatthe
beginningofmyhell

Group counteract Sometimes relax Just got the fax Or rewrite history

Buy it at cost
Debrief me.

Put another onus on it, and spread it’s disease, it’s wasteful.

Motherearth just gave birth to your creation
(acid in her eyes)
like tar on my planet’s alignment.

GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SQUARE
GET OFF OF YOUR FUCKING CHAIR

(it passed you, bye) life… we’re talking

There’s not more than what was not sure than what began more than 7 months ago.
Wit’s end
Because the beginning was to complicated.

She’s lost (without)
Him.

Let him burn off steam (she said), for no reason.
He’s acting up, because down felt too good.

(forget about him)

he’s your dreamscape (let him go)
she holds him tighter…

Sanity
Takes
Every
Victory
Earnestly

Too bad this chicks got too much crazy to go.

She’s not so sure anymore, you know.
I mean, she’s living, right, but it seems that letting love lie is less than living lies love.
She’s dilated.
Pneumonia of the soul, she’s suffocating.

GET THIS GIRL ANOTHER COUGH DROP

More tired than hubcaps, she said.
(liberate me)

Muse’s blood is boiling, and her gauntlet’s nonchalant (get this girl another poker face).

The one woman show that just got erased
(crash her hard drive)

she’s a beast… befallen by what made her happy in the first place
finished last

caste (separate me)

she’s bound by all that made her who she was
when you can't even count on your fingers

Even my dreams have a Blog to sing…

Star Wars Fans Line Up At Wrong Theater

Um, so I had to go check this one out for myself last night. Sure enough, a handful of losers (I mean people), were outside on the sidewalk waiting for Godot, at the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.

I think this story goes into, “No seriously, get a fucking life” category. 7 weeks before? Don’t these people have jobs? I had a very hard time containing my desire to shake them (I mean really shake those 11 individuals) as they sat in their CVS-made-for-tv-folding-chairs and matching 5-person tent.

Frazzled.

Because you make traffic stop, when I’m trying to shake my groove thang.

p.s. it’s just a movie

I think I’ll go lie down now.

When you're loving somebody, baby,You're taking a gamble against some sorrow.But who knows, baby,'Cause we may not be here tomorrow.And if anybody comes along,He gonna give you love and affection,I'd say get it while you can, yeah!Honey, grab it when you're gonna need it!Yeah hey, hold it while you can,Don't you turn your sweet back on love,No no no, no no no no no!

-Janis Joplin

Heal the world
Make it a better place
for you and for me and the entire human race...
-Michael Jackson

That don't make no sense.
-Carol Johnson

I never thought, someday I’m going to be something, because I’m something today.
-Alpha The Great

I’m sick of being sick of being sick of me…
Was it something I ate
Or just misery.

Bliss hit a roadblock
Melancholy hid behind

My souls in the snifter
And Muse lost her smile.

Spring back, or forward in rhyme
Because daunting got a new perfume
And Mindset’s thoughts are benign

She’s adjusting.

Tell her to turn down her feature-box
This commercial has got too many signs
(rough road ahead)

She beguiles.

If you don't know, now you know... http://typelogic.com/

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

"I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?"
ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans reality is a common theme for NJ types.

ENTJs are often "larger than life" in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.
TRADEMARK: -- "I'm really sorry you have to die." (I realize this is an overstatement. However, most Fs and other gentle souls usually chuckle knowingly at this description.)
ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively (s)he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with.

Functional Analysis
Extraverted Thinking
"Unequivocating" expresses the resoluteness of the ENTJ's dominant function. Clarity of convictions endows these Thinkers with a knack for debate, or wanting knack, a penchant for argument. The light and heat generated by Thinking at the helm can be impressive; perhaps even overwhelming. Experience teaches many ENTJs that restraint may often be the better part of valor, lest one find oneself victorious but alone.
Introverted iNtuition
The auxiliary function explores the blueprints of archetypal patterns and equips Thinking with a fresh, dynamic sense of how things work. Improvising on the fly is something many ENTJs do very well. As Thinking's subordinate, insights are of value only insofar as they further the Right, True Cause celebre. [n.b.: ENTJs are capable of living on a higher plane, if you will, and learning to value individuals even above their principles. The above dynamic suggests less individuation.]
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing reaches out to embrace that which physically touches it. ENTJs have an awareness of the real; of that which exists. By stilling the engines of Thinking and iNtuition, this type may experience the Here and Now, and know things not dreamt of nor even postulated in iNtuition's philosophy. Sensing's minor role, however, puts it at risk for distortion or extreme weakness beneath the hustle and bustle of the giants N and T.
Introverted Feeling
Feeling is romantic, as the ethereal as the inner world from whence it doth emerge. When it be awake, feeling evokes great passion that knows not nuance of proportion nor context. Perhaps these lesser functions inspire glorious recreational quests in worlds that never were, or may only ever be in fantasy. When overdone or taken too seriously, Fi turned outward often becomes maudlin or melodramatic. Feeling in this type appears most authentic when implied or expressed covertly in a firm handshake, accepting demeanor, or act of sacrifice thinly covered by excuses of lack of any personal interest in the relinquished item.

Famous ENTJs:
U.S. Presidents:
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Richard M. Nixon
Benny Goodman, "Big Band" leaderGeneral Norman SchwarzkopfHarrison FordSteve MartinWhoopi GoldbergSigourney WeaverMargaret ThatcherAl Gore (U.S Vice President, 1993-2001)Lamar Alexander (former governor, US Secretary of Education)Les Aspen, former U.S. Secretary of DefenseCandace Bergen (Murphy Brown)Dave LettermanNewt GingrichPatrick Stewart (STNG: Jean Luc Picard)Robert James Waller (author: The Bridges of Madison County)Jim Carrey (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask)Steve JobsPenn Jillette

Fictional ENTJs:
Geordi LaForge (STNG)

Today: I made an appointment to give blood
Yesterday: I partook in a variety of St. Patty’s Day festivities
Tomorrow: I take on the world

What’s your story? What’s your dream?

AlphaFemale strikes again
Hold on to your seats
The drama begins
(she’s underwritten)

Get this girl another I…tune

Flows like fluid
Mystique like Druid
(she’s thinking)

maybe LA_ughing

Get this girl another chakra, her speakerbox is mixed.

Maybe she should stick to allnaturalsodiumfreenoncarbonated
DO NOT REFILL
(she’s maxed out)

hidden…like so many things she loves.

no news
nonsense
strike a pose
then repent
she’s utterly distraught…
(wake up)

because this month’s elixir has taken Coffee for a ride

Come on,
Be creative
Be witty
Write a ditty

(they’re waiting)

Be free,
Speak your mind
All the time
That’s not a crime

(they’ll see)

Take a chance,
Drive that car
Show who you are
Become a star

(who will it be?)

I’m curious.

You’re wrong
You’re right
They despise
Everyone sighs
You’re good
You’re bad
You’ve been had

Stab you in the back
Place your train off track
Trust is in love with lack

or maybe we should paint all the dandelions yellow…
COWARD

ORDAINED I SAY!

And just to spice things up, I became an ordained minister today…