WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING LINK MAY BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

You'll laugh, you'll cry...

click HERE

My new obsession… I love looking at the old photos! I have some doozies I plan to post when I go back home and get them.

Bryna!! You NEED to post the home-perm glasses falling off the face pic!!!

Mortified.com

Thanks Steve”N” for sharing this…LOVE IT!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual clean- liness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Jim

“Such human emotions of love, hate, compassion, sorrow, regret, or happiness had no equivalent in her brain.

She knew only pain and pleasure. She was programmed in such a way that doing what her instinct demanded gave her pleasure, and not doing it was unthinkable.

She did not ponder the meaning of her existence. She was not aware she existed. She just was…”

-Douglas Preston, Tyrannosaur Canyon

um... THIS says it all

oh yeah... The Pick of Destiny Premiere last night... kg & jb were smashed! but total fun

In case your wondering… I voted to reelect the Governator!!! I don’t think Arnold is doing such a bad job (theaudiencesays: um, ATG, you TRADER… you are supposed to go DEMOCRAT!!)

Tsk. Tsk. He got a balanced budget in ON TIME. That’s pretty good considering Cali’s past record, so I’m going for it (Union Reps… no need to picket outside my door).

I also voted to pass most of the propositions. MOST, I say… I had a bit of a change of heart on a few after a conversation with Steve.

Steve – um, keep those cigarettes pumping through your lungs!!! (ha ha, inside joke, bad for wide audiences)

don't forget to vote tomorrow...

oh yeah, and lose some weight too (2003 pic, 180lbs... if I can lose 50 lbs so can you!!!!)

UtterFuckingDebauchery.

Vegas.

When it’s 9am, in Vegas, you know what the fuck happened…in Vegas.

Let’s just say there were midgets involved.

(I’m not kidding).

It’s not quite Halloween yet, and this girl has more to Blog about than…

(she’s not giving up details)

For once… what happens…

happens.


… stays.

Still fucking drunk from 3 days ago (wait, fuck, when did we get here?).

Vegoose.

Porn Folks.

Hot Tubs.

Nose Bleeds.

Tom Petty’s Cock.

more strippers than:




She’sFucking… fuck.

Fuck….
Yeah, that’s Vegas.

Just bought the new
nuvi 360 GPS tracking system… 800FuckingDollars…
Picking it up tomorrow.

800FUCKINGDOLLARS… that thing better come with a built in vibrator, seriously.

Oh and, in case you want to see what my children will look like...
click *HERE*.

Florida Recap Part Duex...

Maybe I expect too much from people. My trip included:
- 3 lies in terms of hotel location and amenities
- 4 incorrectly charged prices
- 2 bouts of very slow and or NO service from customer service/concierge
- 12 examples of unprofessional behavior in the hospitality workforce

Hm.

What happens when a hotel tells you they have free wireless access in every room, and it turns out to be network cable plug in only, with only 15 plug ins available (two of them broken) and the rest taken?

- What happens when valet loses the radio volume button for your rental car?

- What happens when you call for a cab with a credit card and they arrive without a credit card processor?

- What happens when you order a chardonnay and they give you a zinfandel, and then ask for a menu and they give you a pen (yes, that’s right, I know pen and menu sound very similar)?

- What happens when you check into a room and they don’t have the air conditioner on when you arrive so its 120 degrees, sticky, hot, and smells of urine (I can tell you the answer to this one)?

Among my adventures in this place they call the happiest place on earth.

So I’m winding down on my tripdeflorida… leaving Tuesday (sigh of relief) ~ SCRATCH THAT, TIME FLIES IN THE LANDOFBLOG, I’M HOME.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this trip has changed me.
Molded me.
Estranged me.

The Musings Of ATG:

Eating Alone – you glean so much information about the environment around you by listening to all the transactions that occur in front of you while you are relaxing with a glass of chardonnay, prime rib and a baked potato (cornucopia of mindmelds).

People talk.
To me.
To you.
To no one in particular.
To themselves.

LISTEN.

This Weekend’s Highlights:
Singing Summer Lovin’ (from Grease) with a butchmiddleagedlesbianwithonearm (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried).


Here Name Was Lola…
Reminisced of times of old with Honey (queue song: “her name was Lola, she was a showgirl…”. Yeah, Honey… that’s her in the middle:


65+ and still serving drinks at some crappy hotel bar, with stories that would make your grandparents reminisce.
The Audience Should Know: I reconvened with my ex-boyfriend from college, that’s him to the right,
Same
Old
Same
Old
Same

Nostalgia or bust.
So back to Honey… she was a highlight. She reminded me of how I could be, or how I would be, old, unremarkable yet remarkable, distinguished, smiling…

~ Pause For Intermission ~

On Line At the Perkins Waiting For A Table
Everyone is old
Old people talk about how they are getting old
Old people complain when they have to wait on lines
Old people will die soon

What’s your excuse?

Bite size musings of good and evil, life and death, love and hate… rearrange me.

Orlando
Tampa
Fort Myers
Miami
West Palm Beach
Lake Worth
Wellington

Among my travels. Gulliver would be jealous.

So what has this girl learned?

Hm… she’ll wrap it up in alliteration for you when she returns from Vegas… baby.

Florida… Week 1:
Myriad adventures in this strange strange (twice for emphasis) land:
Meeting too many roofers, epoxy floor layers, tractor trainers, hurricane reinforcement workers, pool cleaners, waiters, waitresses, cleaning staff than I can comprehend.

Highlights:
Getting hit on by every 50+ cowboy roofer this town’s got…
Schmoozing with some good ol’ boy country band that wore enough tassels and vests to raise YMCA from the dead
Being invited to jump on the back of a Harley and ride off into the sunset with a group of folks my mom’s age (can we say PeeWee’s Big Adventure Tequila Song)
Being invited back to a hotel room to view Epoxy flooring samples and drink wine coolers (yeah, wine coolers); oh and the guy was about 37, 3 kids, wife, and a missing front tooth, fucking classic.
Having a 45 year old man tell me he thinks we are made for each other since he saw me at the hotel bar and then again later that evening at MACdonald’s (yeah, they say MAC instead of MC out here)

I repeat: FUCKINGCLASSIC

I started at the Holiday Inn… room was spacious, king size bed, overlooking the pool… but Florida has this kind of sticky-filmy-muggy type atmosphere. The AC is on nonstop, and its freezing, but still feels like everything is damp and gross.

Let me back up for a bit…
WhatI’mDoingHere: Training folks on a newly implemented real estate management technology. 8 hours straight of me talking. WHOOOPEEEEEEE.

Let’s talk about eating out. Every meal. Eating out. Breakfast, lunch, dinner… Every meal. Eating out.

ATGKeepsItReal: if I eat another deep-fried ANYTHING, I’m going to have to start wearing those jeans with elastic tops.

HOMECOOKEDMEALORBUST.

The portion sizes of the crap I’ve eaten have been enough to feed these folks.

Seriously.

I’m trying all different types of stuff too… catfish, wild salmon, conch shell creatures. Blech.
Of course I had to try some alligator tail (pronounced “gayter t-AIL”. Not a fan. The dark meet threw me off a bit, and even with a deep friend crunchy coating, I couldn’t choke that shit down.

What have I been doing to pass the time:

I got an eye patch for my friend Kelli’s b-day surprise party (oh yeah, had a stopover in Jersey last weekend before FL, awesome wicked fun time), so I’ve been making up little shows and characters covering different eyes, and showing my PIRATTTTTITUDE….get this girl a mirror, please.


So yeah,

Back to Florida…

DID I MENTION: Hockey (go Lightning), dancing, drinking, lounging, pool time

* Monday night football
* Comedy night
* Ladies night

Fuck.

Florida week 2: So now I’m in Tampa… staying at the Hilton (past tense, now I'm at the Holiday Inn for reasons mentioned in approximately 5 seconds), for a $130 a night place, it sux. I liked the Holiday Inn mucho mejore (and that was only 85 a night). They recently got new coffee makers in each room (2-cup brewers with Lavazza coffee, not bad if I do say so myself), but apparently that has thrown the whole staff and the cleaning personnel for a loop. I asked for an additional coffee pod and it was like I asked them to authenticate the Shroud of Turin… no idea what size pods, where to get them, etc. Housekeeping didn’t even replenish my stock (and you know how much this girl loves her coffee), so weird.

Next Stop: Fort Myers, then West Palm Beach… I’ll keep you updated of my time o’ times.

P.S. Heading to Vegooose for Hallow’s Eve, Nicooool, Steve, Serena and crew, CAN’T FUCKING WAIT


But oh, oh oh… I do miss my flat in the LandofLA…

Um, so I was checking out a list of 10 Crimes of Work Fashion… and I spied with my AlphaTheGreat Eyes:

"4. The Crime: Out-of-control hair.
Whether it's frizzy coifs or bushy beards, wild hair just doesn't look professional.

Redemption: Women should invest in a good haircut and some styling products that can reduce poufiness and make hair easier to manage. Men should keep their facial hair well-trimmed, or better yet, go clean-shaven."

Out of control, huh? I will rock, and continue to rock the head of hair that the good Lord gave me, so HRPMH to that!

Matter of fact: DoubleHRMPHtotheSecondPower



Yeah, I said it.

I’m fascinated… by the Amish.

Absofuckinglutely fascinated.

Just a general observation.

P.S. if anyone has an Amish contact, I’d love to talk to/taint them.

Friday – Saddle Ranch , gaggle of girls, broken trunk, no bull... you do the math

Saturday – El Chollo, double feature, 80’s night, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, in Hollywood, with 4 best friends that graduated from Hollywood High in 1985... fucking awesome.

Sunday – volunteering for Inside Out, game booth, Venice Beach, Jimmy Kimmel’s San Gennaro Festival, Roosevelt Hotel, dig it.

Dig it.

Dig it.

DID I MENTION – one chocolate shake, cheese fries with gravy, 2 pear ciders, nachos grande, chilidog with cheese, potato chips, zeppole’s, mint chocolate chip ice cream, cannoli...
Seriously.

No seriously.

NOTE TO SELF: Fanny packs or bust.

And we met
In the moment
We sang
We laughed
We drank
We reminisced
Of times.

That night
And we laughed
And we laughed
And we laughed

We were one.

All of us, six, one hundred, five thousand it didn’t matter the size
We were... were we?
Drinking glasses of wine like daisyroses
And filet mignon the size of lovers
With marigolds for dessert.

We lived.

... and in that moment
We met
We talked
We walked
We were

We lived.

Moments passed, moments stayed
We exchanged nothing, but life.

But life.

Until we meet again
Never
But it lasted our lifetimes.

We met.
We danced.
We drank.


We were...

So, I went to the premiere of Employee of the Month last night.

My review:

Jessica Simpson could not act her way out of a parking ticket from Hugh Hefner. Her lackluster performance did not aid in helping this overtly simplistic plot and lack of laugh-out-loud moments.

Dane Cook was very natural as an actor and produced some great chemistry on screen. but alas, I’ve heard his stand up comedy, and he's side-splitting funny. This movie... not so much.

The “award show” before the movie aired was quite long and boring. For some reasons, the president of Lion’s Gate Films and the director of the movie had to go in front of the audience and suck each other’s dicks (uh, that’s lay terms for overthetop complimenting) and I quote “Blah blah blah, thanks for the chance blah blah blah this is a masterpiece blah blah blah” (and I’m thinking, um, this isn’t Schindler’s list folks).

If you get to see if free – it’s kind of long, but has some “huh, that’s funny” moments.

If you are paying full price at a theatre – don’t.

If you are Netflixing it – it’s better than HollywoodLand (See Also: long, boring, and even the very sexy Adrien Brody *insert AlphaTheGreat in an Adrien Brody and Woody Allen sandwich* couldn’t save this snoozefest).

I usually see films way before they hit the theatres.... wanna know if you should see it? Just ask.

Oh, and be sure to put that saved theatre money into a fund for my boob job (kidding).

Land Of LA... out.

scream at each other,
hug each other,
fuck each other,
fight each other,
provoke each other,
disagree with each other,
argue with each other,
holler at each other,
support each other,
give up on each other,
loathe each other,
lust each other,


love each other...

it never ends.

Lost Angeles.
Merriment of mourning
Thorn in my eye
Seed of my existence

Who needs you.

Lost Angeles.
Faker of friends
Fictional fiancé
Charlatan of my addiction

Greed in you.

Lost Angeles.
Facsimile smiley spaces
Producer of pseudo
re-dried dreams, bloated.

That goes for you too.

GetThisGirlSome: She’s not pretending

... cause this empty stage is to filled with you.

September Eleventh.
Knees went weak
No pipers piping
Still hear the weeps.

September Eleventh.
Death was birthed
No pipers piping
Returned to the earth.

September Eleventh.
Losses still yearning
No pipers piping
Edifice still burning.

September Eleventh.
Eyes filled with hate
No pipers piping
Opened heaven’s gate.

September Eleventh.
It happens every day
No pipers piping
War and mishap always stay.

September Eleventh.
Life’s not guaranteed
No pipers piping
Their song has been deleted.


To all who have loved and lost and lost and loved, the tune in my heart cries out.

Water

Breathe another sound of fury
Flowers are fading
She’s all out of glory.

Air

Drown me another blunder
Verisimilitude has always wondered.
She’s all filled with story.

Fire

Bludgeon me in depths too grand
Hebetudinous... only takes a stand
She’s buried underneath your esoteric.

Earth

Burn me with a life of bliss
Creativity is losing
She’s fallen for your tryst.

Ailments or elements (she’s always applied their salve)

Give her more than musecanswallow

And mutilate her aortic valve.

WARNING: The following blog post is rated “FH” for FUCKING HOT. If you are currently taking medications for any heart conditions and/or sexual dysfunction, uh, hm.

I want to get a tattoo of the outline of NJ on my ass cheek. Yes, that’s right. The outline of New Jersey (fun, fun, fun). So I’m playing around with placement to see where it might work best.

Here’s what it would look like:



So, whaddya think? Looks so funny! Ha! I'm thinking maybe I should wait until I’m thirty? Three years away... might-as-well go out with a SHABANG.

Other opinions on placement welcome. Feel free to stage an intervention at any time.

JERSEY 4-LIFE!!

Mostly R&R this holiday weekend, sitting by the pool, shopping, dog sitting this cute little pup (not the one with the wine glass):


oh and...

THIS:



dig it.

Enginesroaringsittinginthesecondrow,neededearplugs,heart pacing,carsracing,fucking AWESOME.


Redneck women of the world, UNITE!

Here’s what someone said about me:

"You are hotter than fish grease at a cookout, in July, in the middle Death Valley."

Uh, that’s deep.

What did I do on my NY vacation? Hm. Let me count the ways:
Got shit out of a giant ass...


Almost got arrested for public indecency...


Went to a FABULOUS wedding...


I swear it was THIS big...


Joined the New Jersey bear hunt...


Find the psycho in the picture...


My six-year-old niece took this one...



Blushing bride...



Me, my bro and my pops for my bro’s b-day...



My mom and her date at the wedding...

So you’re probably wondering “Self, I wonder how healthy AlphaTheGreat is?”

Well, well my lovelies, sit right back and let me tell you the results of my recent physical (THE AUDIENCE SAYS: no seriously ATG, is muse in hiding? Like we give a shit about YOUR health).

You’ll be happy to know that my blood glucose
level is in normal range (normal meaning between 65-99), mine is 94... looks like there is no diabetes in my immediate future.

My liver, thyroid, blood count, and chemistries (sodium, potassium, glucose, and kidney) were all “normal” (insert me being “normal” for once). I suppose the mass quantities of alcohol, drugs and junk food I consume have had no affect on my psyche.

How’s my cholesterol, you ask?

Total cholesterol = 180 (optimum is below 200)
HDL = 56 (optimum is 60 or higher, but you are only considered “at risk” if you are less than 40)
Triglyceride = 98 (optimum is less than 150)
LDL = 104 (100-129 is close to optimal, less than 100 is best)

You’ll also be very happy to note that I tested negative for gonorrhea, Chlamydia, syphilis, and the HIV. DIG IT! Looks like those late night rendezvous with (INSERT NAME OF SCANDALOUS AFFAIR HERE) did no damage to my goods.

Dig it.

So share, my fellow supporters: How’s your prostate?

(I say this in jest, but really this is a CALL FOR ACTION for you to get a physical so that you can monitor your health so you can stay alive so you can ready my Blog FOREVER!!!)

CRASH.

Your lonely pilot just called for help,
Fading fast
Or couldn’t you tell...

Don’t fall for her
She’ll burn you with the sky
She’s always flying solo
She’ll always make you cry.

BOOM.

Your control panel just lost its lights
Falling past
Your black box was right...

abate...the feeling, her
She’ll burn you with the sky
She’s always flying solo
She’ll always make you try.

BANG.

Your sense of direction just turned for the worse
Feel the blast
Your cockpit might thirst.

Don’t fall for her
She’ll burn you with the sky
She’s always flying solo
She’ll always make you sigh.

And the degradation will be distorted at first
That’s the plight of the pilots curse
She’s always on the wire
She’ll make you go off course

But still you’ll continue climbing,
Until you feel the...


BURST.

Some facts you might not know about ATG:
My brother and I are currently the same age. We will remain the same age until August 22, when he will turn 28. Irish Twins.



My parents don’t really know when I was born (stoners). Um, apparently the 70’s took their toll on them. How, you ask, did this all come to play? Well, well, sweeties, sit right here on my lap and let me tell you a little tale about a girl named Jodi Lee…

I was born on July 29 (probably) 1979. My mother apparently named me Jodi Lee. Yes, that is right, Jodi Lee Johnson.

Now I don’t quite know all the details or how things transpired, but my father sent a birth certificate change form to change my name to Alpha N Johnson. Yes, that is right, my middle name is “N”. So for the first few months of my life, I was Jodi Lee. Somewhere around the month of October 1979, my new birth certificate came in the mail, and my name was officially Alpha N.

SO THE STORY GOES…

My family celebrated my birthday on July 29 up until I was 16. When I was 16, I needed a copy of my birth certificate in order to get my driving permit. My mother instructed me to get my birth certificate from the safe deposit box. I did.
*SHOCK*




So I take a look at the birth certificate… and it says “Alpha N Johnson” born on July 27, 1979.

You can imagine my surprise.

I told my mother.

She thought I was joking.

So, what date was I really born on? 27th, 29th, 27th 29th… Hm. To this day I do not know.

So when you call on July 27th, you can say Happy Birthday to Jodi Lee and when you call on July 29th, tell Alpha N she rocks your world.

Dig it.

perhaps... she said, uh
we could be what we want
to be

drifting on a whim