So... we are at the in-laws yesterday enjoying the Super Bowl festivities when the following random sequence of events unfolds:


I have to pee.  I've been drinking gallons of water lately along with my Nutrisystem  plan, so this is a frequent occurrence.  My nose is also randomly runny (don't have a cold, feeling great, and yet my nose is not cooperating). So...  WARNING: The following blip contains graphic information:
I pee. Nothing unusual.
I get up and flush the toilet.
Immediately I go to grab some toilet paper to blow my nose.
I go to grab a piece and... and...


for some strange reason the toilet paper middle-holder thing FLIES in the air like the Super Bowl kickoff!  It lands (of course) directly in the hole of the toilet right as it is flushing... I'm talking like 3 seconds for this entire transaction to occur, and the tube get SUCKED down the hole of the toilet.


WTF man... only me!


So now, I'm beet red laughing hysterically in the bathroom like a fucking idiot at the absolute weirdness of what just occurred. Not to mention MORTIFIED that I have to go out and tell the house full of party-goers that I just totally fucked up their toilet (of which has been functioning fine for the past 20 years). 
Ok, so I come out of the bathroom and frantically search for my husband.. he's out smoking a cig and nowhere in site... so I put my tail between my legs, go up to the in-laws and try to tell them what happened, but I'm laughing so fucking hard at the hilarity of it... and I feel terrible, because I know it's going to be some major bucks to get a plumber in there to fix it...and my face is so red it might explode... but I finally get out the full story.


They laugh (because they are awesome) and they see how utterly embarrassed I am and totally make it no big deal like it happens all the time or something.  Made me feel much better.


So, that's it. To Be Continued: I offered to pay for whatever needs to happen to fix it.... they of course said "don't worry about it" and follow up with a story about how my hubs younger brother once dropped a toy submarine down the toilet (oh yeah, that makes me feel better, tell me a story about a 3-year old dropping something down the toilet in comparison to my 31-year old trauma!)
Here's the fun part about marriage:
So we are lying in bed (get your minds out of the gutter, we both had to work early) ready to go to sleep, and I bust out laughing thinking about the whole situation... and then proceed to tell Ryan how sorry I am and how stupid I feel and that his parents must think I'm a fucking tool.. he then follow-ups by saying that his parents are probably at home right now trying to figure out why this crazy mixed girl would throw the toilet tissue holder down the toilet.


We both laugh hysterically.


AAaaaaahhhhh, the fun-ness of marriage. LOVE IT!

TTSGIF!!! (thank-the-sun-gods-its-friday)
random rants:

• weight loss tracker: lost 8 lbs.. only 55 more to go (oy vei) new pic to be posted at 20 lb loss... 
• bought a metal detector, didn't find any pirate treasure yet, but it sure is fun searching
• me and the hubs are going have a blockbuster weekend, movie reviews to follow

No news is good news.

Know: news is good news.

Know knews is good knews 

Muse is muse is muse is muse.

dig it.

Dearest Blog I have not forsaken thee!!!!  Updates you ask?  Well here are a few:


2011 started off kind of crappy, Ryan's grandfather died so he was away attending the funeral and I stayed back at the ranch to be on pet-sit duties.  Ryan was really close with his grandparents, so I'm doing everything I can to be the supportive wife. Death fucking sucks.


Life for the newly married couple has been wonderful... we live, we laugh, we love.  The job market out here is not-so-great so the hubby has had a tough time finding gainful employment. We feel totally blessed though as at least I still have my job and he just started a new job today!  Woot Woot, thanks-be to the powersthatbe i.e. livelovelaughraingods


I recently finished reading Johnathan Franzen's Freedom... I don't get the hype. The book fucking sucked. What a waste of time. I swear, sometimes I feel like the masses and I just don't see things eye-to-eye. 


We went to an MMA fight this weekend (SEE ALSO: 1st round = dislocated shoulder and knee socket, 2nd bout 26 second knock-out). Ryan's good friend is a fighter, and he won! I gotta say, out of all the sporting events I have attended (more like dragged to) by significant-others of past, MMA fighting is by far the most interesting. 

What else, what else...
Um, I dyed my hair black. Dark black. Looks crazy... I'd post pics, but I made a pact with myself not to post any pics until I lose some fucking weight (no seriously ATG, put down that damn cookie!!!!).  


Lastly... can we TAWLK about all the crap going on in the world. Mass animal deaths, crazy politics.  Shit be hittin' the fan, yo (in my best sassy black-girl voice).  I'm in the habit of treating every day like the amazing thing it is and living like there is no tomorrow... so whatever shall be shall be, but sheesh, can't a girl get some good news out there please???


hrphm. 

This weekend I hosted Ryan's 32nd Birthday Fiesta!  Complete with pinata, rice and beans, fajitas, tacos, burritos, mustaches etc. It was muy bueno!  We just had a pass-through bar put into the wall between our kitchen and our living room last week and I got some bar stools and was totally excited to entertain with our new digs!  LOVE the pass-through, it totally opens up the party so you can cook in the kitchen and still be a part of the party in the living room!  Here's the birthday boy all Mexican-afied. OLE!

Which one of these just isn't the same?

The floor beneath the floor.

My Little Chupacabra found a way into the pinata I was making.

So much to update, so little time!!! We are smack-dab in the middle of some major home renovations. We actually just had our kitchen floors re-done by Empire Today.  They had terrible reviews online for their Carpet installations so I was a bit skeptical, and I couldn't find any reviews on their ceramic tile installation so I went out on a whim when hiring them. I was so pleasantly surprised at the results (will post pictures soon). They did an awesome job, and the sales guy was here on a Tuesday and the actual work was started the next day!!! Talk about speedy service, took them a full day and a half to complete it, and the tile looks amazing!!!!  Now we are replacing our counter-top and sink/faucet (CARBON COPY: DIYers got NOTHING on us!)

Saturday was a SNOW DAY!!! It never snows here, so it was unseasonably weird.  Me and the hubby woke up late (gotta love the weekends) and then proceeded to have a lazy-day Saturday by watching the movie 2012. Neither of us had been outside at that point and it was already about 2PM.  We took a little movie-break to get some snacks, and I looked outside and viola, SNOW GALORE (which was creepy because we were watching a movie about weird climate changes and alas, we were experiencing snow in a place where it very rarely snows!)

So we stayed in all day, drank coffee, watched movies and installed our new over-the-range microwave.  Took us almost 3 hours to get the darn thing in (SEE ALSO: Fuck directions, we are doing this OUR WAY or the HIGHWAY!).

Yesterday I got around to putting up some Christmas decorations. Our house has been a total mess with all the renovations happening, so I didn't want to take out any until the bulk of the renovations were completed. We are going to get a tree this weekend, can't wait!  We can already see that our little Teenie-vixen-Kitty is going to be a handful around the tree/decorations, she's already knocked over and pulled apart several decorations, as well as chewed on quite a few lightbulbs. KITTY PROOF is in order in the Esser household!!!

Few, that's all I got for now... what do I want for Christmas you ask???  Well that's an easy one, the pitter-patter of little feet!!!  Operation Baby-Create has commenced!!! Mr. Stork, please do stop by our household!!!!

Bryna... this goes out to you...um, one of the items here is NOT pottery, my little Teenie wanted to be the star of the show (CC: Takes After Mum) and would not let me get a pic!  Your bowl gets frequent visits from various fruits (and sometimes vegetables). The cups are currently dating soups and teas, and the steering wheel, well that one is still trying to find his "niche". heehee

Happy Halloween!!! Totally went trick-or-treating and got a satchel full of booty!!! I was a hot air balloon and Ryan was the "Hot Air Balloon Operator".

 

I put a little pink shirt on my Joplin-Teenie-Tiny... thought she would be an extra small, but it turns out it was too small, she HATED it!  She refused to get up and walk (teenagers, oy vei!)

I WON THE LOTTERY!!! Wooot Woot!

 So it's not millions or anything, in fact it's only $20 bucks, but I've never won that much!! We went out for Chinese food last night (of course the Chinese call it just "food"). And... ATG decides to play the lottery with the "Lucky Numbers" from our fortune cookies.  I matched 1 number, plus powerball, plus the multiplier... THUS winning $20 bucks!

don't be jealous, that new car and house I bought for you is on the way :o)

I's married now! I's married now!!! - The Color Purple

The past year has been quite a whirlwind, and unfortunately I haven't much blogged about it (sorry Muse). Here's some random updates:

Status: Married, woot woot

Honeymoon: Ritz Carlton San Juan was awesome, Puerto Rico is a shit hole. Probably the ugliest city I've ever been to.  You couldn't drag me away from those penny slot machines tho, I was actually up $217 bucks from one dollar (four hours and an arm cramp later, my hubby rescued me and made me realize I'd been down at that casino WAY too long!). We had a total blast!

Wedding:  My awesome bridesmaids really came through for me. SEE ALSO: Never want to plan a party of that caliber again.  From the amazing cake that Bryna made, to the awesome cake topper that Suzanne made, to the beautiful bouquets Nixie made, Andrea's delicious favors, Kelli's help with setup, the list goes on... man oh man I am a lucky gal to have such AMAZING FRIENDS, the wedding would not have been good without them!


Other than that:  Now we are in home improvement mode... I just re-did my home office (was a dark orange, now it's Carolina blue, pics to come). Next it's time to make-over the bedroom, then kitchen remodel (FUN FUN FUN!)

A Note On Being Married:  I love (love) LOVE being a wife, best job in the world! Ryan and I have so much fun and he's the most amazing man.  People say things changed after you are married, well so far they've changed for the better, we're even more in sync. I feel like the luckiest chica in the world to find someone so wonderful and that treats me so grand.


Alpha = Getting Soft In Her Old Age!

So that's the story morning glory...





 

man oh' man... no time to post.  well actually there is time, i just don't feel like going on the computer.

but rest assured, i will certainly tell of my upcoming nuptials and honeymoon activity.

see if you can hold your breath until then (go ahead, i dare ya).

 

Wedding is only 45 days to go! Excitement = BUILDING UP!!!

So my little girl got her reproductive organs cut out yesterday... Ryan was a nervous wreck!  We brought her home and she looked really thin for some reason. So Ryan of course IMMEDIATELY called another vet for a second opinion and to take a look at the work that was done by the vet who did the job (which was included in the adoption fees, so therefore Ryan thought it might be sub par).  What a good daddy!  We bought her this ridiculous collar so she wouldn't mess with her stitches, but my little Joplin was NOT HAVING THAT... totally ripped the sucker off in like 30 seconds. I thought she looked so funny though in her space uniform:

They also tatted her belly (to show she is fixed) which I thought was pretty gangster, and micro-chipped her.  She looks hilarious with a shaved belly... cause her skin's pale white even though she is brown (PROUD PARENT SAYS:  she takes after me as I'm really white even though my skin is brown (hehee)

Can't believe it's been almost two months since MUSE and I have spoken! Damn you planningandscanningandtanning days of summer!

Quick Updates:

Wedding Plans = going (where, I'm not sure, but definitely  going!)

Awesome Porch Ryan's Dad Built = finished and AMAZING

Ailing dad in hospital = out and as crazy as ever!

Our new kitten, Joplin = getting her va-jayjay chopped out next week (SEE ALSO: to spay or not to spay)

Living in the Durty South = still trying to adjust... missing ye ole' Jerseylicious lifestyle, but still loving our house, life, etc.

 

Phew, time is flying by, summer's over...ATG LOVESlovesLOVES the fall:

pumpkin-everything

leaves the color of my skin

long sleeve t-shirts

bliss.

 

haven't been able to post... somethings been going wrong with blogger...

 OUT DAMN SPOT

more to come after these messages:
messages
messages
messages
messages...

Quick update: Papa Johnson is still in Intensive Care, feeling a bit better though, so that's good news!

I'd also like to introduce you to the newest member of our family, adopted this weekend. Joplin is quite the cutie (we took her to the Vet and she proved that she's quite the singer just like Janis!), we also call her Koala (because she loves to climb up shelves), Tiny Dancer (because she stands on her two back feet and it looks like she's dancing) and Teeny-Tiny (because she is SOOOO tiny she looks like she might break!)  Love this little bundle of joy, and Ryan and I are two very proud parents:o)

Last night I get frantic calls/texts from my family telling me to call my dad. He's been in Intensive Care for the past few days, not doing so well.  I walked outside for a minute, and upon coming back inside the phone was ringing off the hook.  I got scared, because it was almost 12 at night, and I thought for sure that my dad might have been no longer.  I called my father, his voice was weak as he told me they need to stop his heart and re-set it and that they weren't sure if they would be able to revive him after they stopped his heart.

It's weird.

I've dealt with death in the past, but usually the deaths were abrupt.  The thought of knowing you could be talking to your father for the last time hits you hard. I told him to hang on, and fight as hard as he could, that I needed him to stay around, to see my future children and walk me down the aisle when I get married.  I told him I loved him and he is the best father in the world and to be strong.
He pulled through last night, but the re-setting of his heart didn't help, so now they are going to attempt to do it again.

I feel at peace with death.  In fact I feel at peace with most any action that is out of my control. It hurts, and its sad, and the thought of being withheld form a person you care about is miserable. I guess that's why I try to give as much love away as I can everyday, because you never know who or when this thing we called life is going to be snuffed out.

so love. LOVE I SAY. and death can be overcome.
so live. LIVE I SAY. and death can be overrun.

There can be no regrets if you give your love willingly and express your love constantly.
-atg

The Color Purple was absolutely terrible! I was shocked that Broadway play would be so amateur. Some of the actors (like the guy who played Harpo) couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in his hand.

I felt bad because this was Ryan's first play, and it sucked so bad I was apologizing the whole time!  I love dance numbers in plays, but the choreography in this play was so off! The dancers were fumbling around and looked like they were just hired that day to perform without practice.

The worst was the scenery though, talk about high-school production quality! No scene changes and the same damn bedroom and tree scene the whole play. 

ATG gives this a doublethumbstuckupamonkey'sass

bleh.

Redeeming event of the evening: We ate dinner here, and it was scrump-didly-umptious!

I do think my fiance and I are single-handedly returning the economy to it's pre-crisis state!

Among our recent purchases:

• Tix to The Color Purple
• Aerogarden
• Patio furniture

sheesh, um, feel free to send us anonymous donations to pay for our habit!

TEAM ESSER = Glutinous!
Oh, and on a totally separate note, HOLY HOTTIES! My brother and his family totally got these glam shots that look awesome!

So we just bought this.

Used it yesterday, can't complain at this point, better than the bulk of a weight bench and gets the job done!

A bit pricey for a bunch of pulleys on a chord, but if after 1 week I see results, I'm sold!

5 random things for the Wednesday Soul:

1 - Saw the movie Avatar last night, what a ridiculously horrible movie and waste of 2 hours.  How this movie got so much praise is beyond me.

2 - I fully support Arizona's new immigration reform laws.  I hope all other states follow suit.

3 - We have over 25 names for our cat Frankenstein, here's the short list of names we call him (yeah, I know, we need to get a life):

• Frankenstein, Franken, Stein, Stein-ugiss, Stein-ophoclees, Weasel, Steiny-Heiny, Frankenberry, Sternum, Sternum-cakes, Steinasaurs, Steinasaurus Rex, Fatty, Fatty-cakes, Buddah, Weezy, Stein-kabobs, Stern, Frankerstern, Viesel...  

4 - Our new patio is almost done and looks AWESOME, we're going to get a movie projector screen so we can watch movies under the stars!

5 - Operation Weight Loss isn't going to hot... my fat ass is still, well, fat.

Here's what is getting my goat this morning (Inner Monologue says: really, ATG? goat? damn, you've really MOVED ON UP to the south).

Technology.   also pronounced techNOlogy

I'm sick of it and the inventors who think that the best thing since sliced bread is a smaller faster phone. A PHONE (she screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire...), where the fuck have we veered off the path!??

That seems to be the only thing entrepreneurs and creators are focusing on. ipads, ipods, iWannaSCREAM... who gives a fuck if you can dial a call faster, or search the net or any of that junk any faster or smaller? I don't care if I can't find the answer to (which arachnid has more legs, who won the title for most hot dogs eaten in a single minute, what's the tallest building) in 10.5 milliseconds.

It's time to focus on what really matters, tRaNsPoRtAtIoN!

TRANSPORTATION I SAY!!!!

Airplanes, seriously? Is this the best we can come up with?  It's been like 50 years without a new mode of transport, they had us all thinking we'd be flying around in small car-pods (the original iPods? she whispers in a Steven Colbert like retort).

Where's my:

Beam me up Scottie, and

personalized rocket launcher

and train that zaps you to your destination

or 

or

or

INNOVATION. that's the word I was looking for.

RIP innovation.

  you will be greatly missed (along with wigwam socks, puffy bangs, and spandex).

Went to the NC Zoo yesterday, nice little mother's day, 10 miles of walking in my  new Shapeups. I definitely was wore out by the end of the day... but my legs didn't hurt so rock on to that! Took a picture of this monkey, see anything peculiar? I hear red is the new black.

Kelli- totally took the comments thing off for you, so COMMENT AWAY!

So much happening... awesome Engagement Party in NJ last weekend, Nixie's wedding, and just  got back from a weekend at the beach... awesome time, freezing ocean, cute camping cottage, LOVE IT!

We got so many awesome gifts for our Engagement Party, and a crapload of gift certificates (which we have already purchased tons of stuff, including a shelf for our kitchen appliances, iron, toaster, etc).

Feeling totally blessed and amazing!!!!

Yesterday, we had our first summer barbecue! I was so excited to grill out, the weather was perfect, and Ryan and his dad actually FINISHED the deck! The actual deck part is totally built, now they just have to put on the side railings, screen and roof, it looks AWESOME! The barbecue was for Ryan's dad's birthday, and it was so much fun to have the kids playing in the hammock and outside near the deck. 

Funny/Weird/Gross Story: I've been trying to get estimates of having our entire yard fenced in with a privacy fence, everyone thinks I'm crazy for wanting that since the back yard looks so open and nice without one.... but we can see into our neighbor's yards and I don't really like that.  So to SEAL my case in winning that battle, I provide the following evidence:

Our neighbor to the right who keeps two yappy dogs in a small cage he built outside of his house, is training his dogs to hunt squirrel (yes, SQUIRREL), he EATS squirrel, so is making the dogs into hunting dogs to obtain said culinary delight. Yesterday, we are out on the deck, eating, partying etc. and WEIRD NEIGHBOR actually takes out a half/dead squirrel he has hanging by his neck with a string and plays with the dogs with it. We are all sitting their eating and what not, and then we are like what the heck is that guy doing, then we see very clearly that a bloody squirrel is hanging from a string and the dogs are going NUTS over it. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! 

Random Updates For The April Soul:

Easter has come and gone... here's a picture of the cookie-decorating contest in which neither of us won, (go figure). Great minds think alike!

Ryan & his dad have been diligently working on our patio that we are SO excited to use!!!  I'll post before an after pictures once it's up. I can't wait to grill out there!!!! LOVE having a huge yard!

So I'm trying SlimQuick. This here gal has gained some significant weight (damn you BEINGINLOVE, you ALWAYS do this to me!).  I need a little boost because my fat ass isn't going to fit in Nixie's bridesmaid dress by the end of the month!

Here's an impression of our cat Frankenstein pretending he's me:

Oi vey.

So... we went fishing two weeks ago, about 2.5 hours away from where we live, and guess who caught the biggest, ugliest catch of the day! Oh yes folks, twas I!

The fish is called a sea Skate

The dang thing was so heavy trying to reel it up (we were fishing on a pier) that I couldn't get it all the way up and Ryan (insert chivalrous music here) had to actually get it onto the pier...
Ugliest I've seen to date!

Here's a random kid pic that has nothing to do with the post:


Ode to the days of blogging all day! So much going on, so little time to type it up! Here's a funny story though:

Yesterday, the water in the bathtub wouldn't go down. We tried plunging it for like 20 minutes, still nothing. Ryan finally calls his dad (who's about to leave on vacation), so his dad rushes over here with a drain snake to try and snake the drain so we don't have to call a plumber (SEE ALSO: $200 house call). So his dad goes to snake the drain, and the snake (a metal long object that is supposed to fit down pipes) is not even REMOTELY going into the drain.

Suddenly *PAUSE FOR EFFECT*...
Mr. Esser (who is standing in knee deep crap water that is in the tub) looks up and flips the drain plug. The water immediately goes down. Talk about amateur house owners.

We were all laughing so hard at the whole thing, we totally would have called a plumber if his dad had already left on vacation, then that plumber would have looked at us like were fucking nuts to not know that the drain plug was up.

On another note, it's getting warm out here, and I love sitting in the backyard and reading my book. We have gorgeous trees and flowers coming in, and we just put up a hammock. We are driving to the coast (about 2 1/2 hour drive) tomorrow to go fishing at his parents rental campground (can't wait!)

Wedding plans are going wonderful and smooth:
-Church (booked)
-Reception location/food menu (booked)
-DJ (booked)
-Photographer (booked)
-Cake Maker (Bryna, booked)
Just need to tie up some loose ends

I'll try to find some time to update more often with all the things going on... it's funny because I was so used to having an apartment where my computer was always in my living room, so I would blog all the time... but now with a house, the computers have their own separate room for dwelling, and if I'm not working, I'm not on the computer!
dig it.

CHANGE IS COMING!!!
Doing a re-vamp of the site, pardon our appearance during construction!

Guess who just got engaged!!!??

better pics to come... whoooooooooHOOOOOOOOO

This weekend, December 12th, was Christmas! Well, we celebrated Christmas that is... Ryan's mother has to go to NJ to visit her father who is getting surgery, so she is going to be gone through X-mas, so we had Christmas on Saturday... we slept over at his parents on Friday night and woke up to Santa's bevvy of yuletide booty!

It's funny, because we slept in Ryan's old room... I hadn't been in his old room since I was about 16 or 17. When I used to go up to visit him I had to stay in his sister's room. So many memories!!!

Santa treated us very well, I might add... a gift certificate to go to a Zoo (I asked Santa for some "excursion" type gifts), an ice cream maker (made pumpkin ice cream last night!), and a bunch of other stuff, including a filled stocking and new Christmas PJs (which we were required to open on "Christmas Eve" and wear).

Had a blast, and although it was mid-December, totally felt like Christmas! We ate our selves silly and watched Christmas movies and played with his niece. Oh what fun it is too....

I still didn't take any pictures of our tree and houselights, daggonnnnnit...I'll get on top of that soon.

Here's us in front of his parent's tree.